I have a confession to make. It is a confession that I'm not comfortable making so, odds are, it is one that God wants me to make. I struggle with depression and loneliness. This struggle occupies a disproportionate amount of my thought and brings so much worry and stress with it that it's often almost overwhelming.

What do I do about it? Try and stay busy or waste a large amount of time reading, surfing the internet or daydreaming about my future mate.

I see others in happy, unhappy or even dissolving relationships and I want what they have. Yes, I'd even settle for the dissolving relationship because something has to have been there to dissolve - sometime in the life of those two people was a point where they cared about each other.

I don't covet others wives: I covet the fact that the love the bridge-groom shows to his bride is reflected back to them by the very one they shine their love on. The cyclical nature of this is an astonishing display of power.

Anyone who has ever heard audio feedback or stood between two mirrors understands this power and its immensity.

For audio feedback a signal is introduced into the system, it gets reproduced by the speaker system and re-enters the system via the same microphone it was originally produced on and is doubled and the loop continues - growing in power with each iteration. It grows in power exponentially until it is the strongest signal in the system and overwhelms everything else.

Likewise with standing between two mirrors. One mirror results in one reflection of yourself. Add another and there are suddenly an infinite number of you. An infinite amount of love. Love like someone standing between two mirrors. Reflected and strengthened by each reflection.

So what do I do if its God's will that I remain a bachelor all my life? I don't do a thing. God is the source of the infinity of reflections. I'm just one of those reflections. God is God, I am as nothing in comparison to His glory and infinite wisdom. If it is His will I only hope He reveals why someday. If He chooses to keep me in the dark? I can do nothing to change that. Maybe it's my 'Thorn in my flesh'.

The biggest fear in all of this is this: That it isn't God's will that I am lonely and alone - that it's my fault. I fear that the hooks of my sin have allowed the enemy to whisper in my ear: "you're not good enough", "who in their right mind would want a fat slob like you?" "The only way you'll ever have anyone is through your imagination", "Its just a picture - how can that hurt you?"

Yes, it is just a picture. It is the scattered image reflected back from a mirror that's been shattered: never the entire image, but bits and pieces of that image trying desperately to gain the power found in the whole, but failing miserably.

Though it will never be the entire image the jagged edges can still cut, still cause injury. I'm bleeding a death caused by a thousand of these cuts. Even though I no longer look at those images they fill my dreams, call to me through the memory of my sin.

They display to me their piece of the whole and promise the rest. It cuts me while I try to reassemble the shattered mirror. Meanwhile all I hear is "you're not good enough - you'll never be good enough. Why don't you just sit down and forget? Who needs the entirety of the image?"

Though I listen desperately - that's all I hear - Satan's voice whispering his lies. I want the feedback that is His still, small voice to overwhelm that signal, to drown out the whispers. The feedback of His love on me, filling me, driving the darkness away. My heart fears that my cries are lost in that darkness that surrounds me. My mirror is shattered and only He can make it whole.

My head knows that He hears my cries. I know that He loves me and cares for me. Now if only my head could convince my heart.

I'm in Atlanta tonight doing some Christmas shopping and generally enjoying myself. The trip is primarily fueled by a desire to go the the Ikea store... Love that store...

So anyway, as we were driving to the hotel I thought how pretty this city is. The lights are up for Christmas and everything sparkles and glitters. Our hotel has a great view of downtown Atlanta and it shines. This city is beautiful at night. During the day it's a different thing. The pretty lights are hidden in the branches of sleeping leafless trees, the streets don't look as clean and you can see how dingy all the windows really are.

Sin is like a city at night. It is pretty, shiny and sparkly. It is attractive and looks like something you'd like to be involved in. However, when it's brought into the light it's revealed for what it is: dirty, dingy and nasty. The light reveals the true nature of sin and it's not a attractive as it is in the dark.

This is why we must, absolutely must, bring sin into the light. Because it looks good in the dark. It's only in the light that we can see sin as it is and do the work of getting rid of it. When we're no longer distracted by the sparkly and shiny parts we can do the work, with God's help, of disassembling the hold sin has taken on our lives.

Next up: Sleep, breakfast and then Ikea!

Tuesday Nov 3rd, 2009 – 1:53p

It's beautiful here... Strangely beautiful. There's the juxtaposition of the dunes over the beauty of pine , the bright blue of the sky, the greenish blue of Lake Michigan and the tan of the dunes. Yes, there are dunes here. Lots and lots and lots and lots of dunes. There's a heck of a lot of sand around these parts.

When I was packing in last night I thought a lot of the ground outside was stone – turns out it's sand. Dig down an inch or two and you hit sand, a find that's different for this Tennessee boy who expects to find red clay when he digs. Ain't much clay 'round these here parts.
I took a leisurely drive around today – went and checked out the sights. It's a beautiful area and is sparsely populated until you get about 1/4 mile from any significant body of water. Then it makes me think of what the mountainous areas around Gatlinburg will look like in 30 years – only less tacky on the whole. There are cabins scattered everywhere and I even saw one who's roof overhung the roof of the neighbors cabin. The biggest difference is the dirt roads (well, mostly hard-packed sand). They're everywhere. I learned today that a non-maintained road really means non-maintained. I barely squeezed the Suburban through one set of trees.

Today's reading: Mere Christianity and When the Lion Feeds (Wilbur Smith...)

Monday, November 2nd, 2009. 8:59P

, I have arrived at the little cabin in the big woods... I think it's nice – at least the interior is and what I can see of the exterior – since it's full dark now... Which made it interesting hooking up the propane to the stove – using a Coleman gas lantern while hooking up a propane connection makes one triple check that they've tightened the connection before one turns on the gas.

So far the only noises I hear, other than the wind blowing and the occasional jet is the ticking of a clock and the soft murmur of the water heater... It's a pretty nice cabin, small and cozy, done up in typical cabin attire – old couches and recliners, a nice fridge, a bunch of bunks in the lean-to and a comfy bed in the loft. The linoleum is a trip and there are random books scattered just about everywhere... I snagged a copy of Charolette's Web for tonights reading. Since I have let everyone know I'm here I just shut down my phone... It's gonna be a bit lonely here tonight but a very welcome reprieve from the generalized busyness of life.

On my drive up I managed to get through to the Book of Romans... It made for a pretty interesting drive, to say the least. I experienced my first Meijers store tonight – reminds me of a Super Target. Apparently it's a must visit up here in the big mitten. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow and seeing some sights and going to refill the almost empty propane tank.. The temperature outside is currently hovering around 34ish. It's 60 in here but I sleep like a log when it's cold. Good thing I brought a LOT of blankets.

One thing that struck me on the drive up was the parable of the prodigal son. I felt for the good son, the son who stayed and obeyed his father. I totally understand his being ticked that there was a party being thrown for his brother... I mean, he's stuck around, helped out around the place and hasn't ever gotten a party thrown for him. Then his bro happens back after wasting his entire inheritance on liquor, women and parties. Instead of getting what he deserves, he gets a party thrown. It's not fair. Then I thought about a section from Craig Groeschel's book: Confessions of a Pastor.

"God is just – no doubt about it – but He's not fair. And there is a difference. If God were fair I'd get what my sins deserve. I praise Him that He's not fair. Because He's just, when someone sins, someone must die. But in His mercy, Jesus paid the price for my sin by shedding His own, Innocent blood, giving up the life He fully deserved to keep. God is just, but He's not fair. If He were fair, I'd have to suffer... forever. Psalm 103:10,12 describes God's unfairness: “He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities... as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”"

Was it fair that the undependable son got his mere return celebrated? No, it wasn't fair at all. It's also not fair that I get to go to Heaven while Jesus had to go to the cross. I too, “praise Him that He's not fair.”6

I'm actively shivering now, so I think I'm gonna go grab the propane tank and bring 'er indoors... Then I believe I'll head to bed for the evening so I can get up uber-early in the AM. Peace be with you!

Matt

(It's definitely less lonely with the propane heater going... Not to mention warmer!)